Hurry up and be late

Hurry up and be late

The sun has already set and Its dark in the bedroom, the fan blows on high and the sound of twinkle twinkle little star repeats again and again. Her body warm and small, she fits like a puzzle piece into the grove of my chest as she makes the slightest puppy dog grunts.

She is tired. But wide awake, her tummy must hurt, maybe she had a long day, she is 10 weeks old, of course it has been a long day.  I decide to dance.

I spin around and around the room on my toes, pretending to dance ballet. My long dress sweeping the floor, I feel light and joyous and she is silent. Her eyes big she is enthralled. By the motion perhaps, or the spinning ceiling fan but she is silent and I dance. She nestles deeper into my arms and I feel her warmth, soak her little body up, and smell her fine newborn hair. Her 10 pound body sitting in the cradle of my left arm, my right hand holding her neck, this is Heaven. And I spin. I dance in the mess of my bedroom, baby clothes and burpies, laundry that needs to be put away and carpet I’d like to vacuum. Yet in this moment it is all so small compared to the weight of her 10 pound body against mine.  She needs me. I am hers, she is mine.

My spin turns into a soft sway and she relaxes as I lay her in the curve of my arm, her big blue eyes stare up at me, her belly is round and full and her eyes begin to close ever so slightly. I know she is asleep by the sound of her breathing, a short and light whistle, shes out.

I missed Sophia’s bed time again, for the second night in a row I did not kiss her goodnight or read her a story. Daddy is most often second to the magic of mommy, but he’ll have to do.

 Finally in a silent house I sit, exhausted, hungry because I forgot my lunch for work this morning and can’t leave for lunch because lunch is spent nursing my 10 pound baby. A much better way to spend my break time from work than stuffing my face with food. 

I seep into the couch, a little too deep, the cushions on our couch have had it. This room too is messy to my eye, the carpet could always use a good cleaning. It’s time to edit photos.... for the umpteenth night in a row. I have to edit the memories I've captured, these beautiful important milestones, yet they are not mine. They belong to other beautiful families who have entrusted me with such an important job, indeed I must edit every night, I must finish - but take my time.

I woke up late for work.

My 10 pound baby needs to be nursed or she’ll cry the whole hour in traffic on the way to work. First things first, nurse. But she doesn't want to eat. Crap I forgot to do Sophia’s homework last night. Crap, only 20 minutes until its time to leave, I need to brush my teeth, fix my hair, pack the car, feed this baby who doesn't want to eat, and at some point wake my sleepy four year old up, and argue over her hair, clothing and choice of breakfast.  She hates to be rushed.

She is a stop and smell the roses type of girl, and I've got twenty minutes to get on the road and sit in traffic for an hour. I don’t have time for slowly getting dressed, watching cartoons, and correctly reading her homework.  I just don’t have time, almost ever.

I rush, to do most things these days. I live my day on only five hours of sleep at most, I don’t make breakfast from scratch like I’d like to, I don’t take time to pick out my clothing, I don’t have time to feel pretty, or to do anything lately but rush. I certainly do not have time to argue with my four year old about little things, no that would take much to much time. So we rush. 

Traffic wasn't horrific this morning and Scarlett didn't cry in the car,  but I did.... cry in the car. Today is an important and hard day. Today is the very same day that I found out that my best friend was killed. Today is the very same day three years ago that my life came to a painful and abrupt halt.

Today Sophia rushed to hug me and say goodbye. “mama, you better hurry, you are going to be late.” She is four, she’s been four for 10 weeks now. For 10 weeks we've been enjoying our newborn, but figuring out this crazy thing that is having two children. For 10 weeks I've been wrong. Sophia’s sweet little words made me realize, she is a rushed child. I used to dance with her in the dark coolness that is night. I once cradled her in my arms and soaked up the warmth of her 10 pound body. Swaying her back and forth to the sound of music until the sound of her breathing let me know she was, out. But not anymore, not as often as I should and only in the way you can rock a four year old. 

 I hugged her goodbye and then pushed the stroller full of baby and bags and extra diapers for daycare, down the hallway through four layers of doors to the infant classroom.  I forgot to leave Sophia’s homework with her.

Today is an important day, today I will let them give my 10 pound baby a bottle. Today I must get a good hug from my 4 year old. I have time. 10 minutes. As I walk back to Sophia’s classroom I see a mother of twins drop two blond curly haired toddlers off and then run down the hallway to the exit. She must be late too. When I reach Sophia’s classroom she jumps up from the group she is in and runs towards me. I take this moment to tell her that I love her, that she is important and I attempt to get some lovins from her. But she is rushed, she hugs me and then breaks free. She is rushed. So used to being rushed that she hasn’t the time for hugs. 

Today is an important day, because it is the day I am reminded of just how important my life really is, all the little things that I rush through. These are things that my best friend is missing with her little girl who is now 6. These things I rush, they are important. The smell of my 10 pound baby, the weight of my 4 year old in my arms, her long messy hair, those brown eyes, my messy house, long nights spent dancing in a messy room. 

Today is important. 

There is no time like right now, to go back down the hall and take the homework that you forgot to drop off, to get one more hug, you have time- because you are here. That time is a gift you receive each and every day you are able to feel the overwhelming, beautifully messy, often rushed, weight that is life.

Our children learn what we teach, and they are taught by how we live. 

They are teaching me the importance of dancing, of smelling the roses and of long hugs. 

Because lets be honest, we never know when the last time we’ll be able to hug someone is and there is no time like right now to take your time.

From One to Two

Sweet little Scarlett is 8 days new today, we have officially been home with her for a whole six days.

Six days that have proved to be a little harder than we had anticipated.

Day two Sophia and daddy went to the park and library to get out of the house. I nestled up in bed with my new baby to spend every moment I could soaking her in. Memorizing her features, her little face, her tiny toes and hands. So fresh and so new. So beautiful.

They were gone longer than I had expected. But that was okay with me, there is hardly a moment of quiet around here and I'll take every moment I am offered.

Two hours later Mike rushed into the bedroom holding Sophia. Cradled over his shoulder, he said "She's hot." I instructed him to place her next to me on the bed, still holding Scarlett I scooped her up next to me to feel her little forehead. She said " my whore-head hurts," I couldn't help but laugh. And at that moment she got up on her knees, gave me the most pitiful look and vomited all over... EVERYTHING. The bed, me, I moved my legs that held Scarlett as far from her as possible and shouted for a trash can.
She'd had a glass of chocolate milk, some cereal and a cookie - and it covered our bedroom in an aroma you can only think of.

We took a bath together, which is something we used to enjoy when she was a toddler. No time for a walk down memory lane when you're holding a crying sick four year old.

With a fever of nearly 104 she left for the emergency room with Mike..
I stayed behind with Scarlett.
My heart broke.
For her, for me.
Wrenched with guilt, not going with her was a hard mommy decision to make.

The next two weeks were hard.

Sophia had strep throat and then a viral infection followed.
Being at home alone with two young girls, one of them extremely sick and contagious and one of them an infant- I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Needless to say the first few weeks of Scarlett being home have been hard, harder than I had imagined. There weren't as many unicorns as I had planned for. But all in all, I'd say it has all been worth it.

Counting Down

Its hard to imagine that its been four years since this tiny little girl wrapped in pink first attached to my heart. Like I never imagined she melted my heart and my world in so many unexplained and undefinable ways.  Throughout these four years I have watched her take her first breath, hear her first cry, watched her breath during random hours of the night with constant watch to be sure she was still alive. 

She is now a big girl, an independent little person, frustrating and adorable in the same moments. She is opinionated and strong willed, but kind, sensitive and loving,she is my first baby. 

There is nothing like the love we feel for our first love. Our first romance, the first time we kissed a boy, the first time we hold our children. Though it is hard to imagine that I could love another child as much as I love her, I am certain that I will feel that same love the moment I hold her little sister. 

There is only a few days left until Scarlett will be here with us, and these days are so precious to me. For the last four years Sophia has been my only baby, my only love, my everything. It is a joy to be so wrapped up in her, and it has been a whirlwind learning experience. 

I've been counting down these last few weeks until the day when I'll be a mother of two girls instead of only one. Imagining 

Free Sessions for Children in Need

As a Junior in High school I was faced with the dreadful and very unexpected ordeal of having to battle for my life. Instead of spending my senior year of high school planning on colleges, senior pictures, fun activities and relishing in all that I'd worked for, I spent my year in the biggest fight of my life.

I can say proudly now that I am a survivor, that I won the battle for my life and that I am a stronger better person for all that I endured. I do wish that I had more photographs of those hard days though, something to look back on and remind me of how strong I am and how much I've made it through. 

My family struggled with my medical cost and as a result I never got to purchase a senior year book, senior photos or take any photographs of during my senior year. These memories were not captured and so I know the importance of capturing every moment, even the hard ones. 

I also understand the delicacy in which these types of matters require and am honored to offer my photography services for a wonderful cause. 

If you or someone you know is in need of free photography services due to dealing with an ill child please do not hesitate to contact me at any time. 

I wish you the best, many blessings and strength during these trying times. 

Dear Mom ... a little late Mother's Day letter

Dear Mom,

SO  many of my childhood memories are wrapped up in you. In your presence, in the every day kindness you lived as a mother. In breakfast and dinner, and in conversations of me being your oldest daughter and for so long my closest friend. 

 And although I never forget to say “I love you,” I often forget to share another heartfelt expression: “Thank you.” And to every one of the great and amazing women who essentially raised me, your fingerprints left the deepest impression –So today, it’s time for a “thank you” – a letter of appreciation for leaving your mark on my life in so many beautiful (sometimes odd and unexpected) ways:

Thank you for encouraging me to be beautiful-on the inside, and by doing so with your actions. I've learned little things from each of you that have left a mark on the woman I am today. The way Aunt Cindy would say a little prayer each time she passed some poor animal that had lost his life along the road. The way my mom would pick and up and take in almost every stray animal or person for that matter that she found along the way. The giving spirit in which you all live your lives, giving even in times when you have been in need- without a second thought about doing so. 

For the memory of buying lunchables for the homeless and being able to pass them out ourselves. Grandma who was always  there with a wise word and a soft shoulder. Someone I could call when I needed a strong word of wisdom. 

For all that you have all overcome  and the beautiful deep souls you are. For teaching me to always have my toe nails painted, to never leave the house without my face on, and that age only brings more beauty. You all make me not so scared to age. 

Thank you mom, for encouraging me to bite my tongue, turn the other cheek and offer grace in every circumstance. Thank you for trusting me with my life choices, this confidence has led me down a path of life that is my own, one I can be proud of. One of self assurance and awareness. For taking time to say my prayers at night and for the Bible stories that are forever engraved in the foundation of my spirituality. 

For giving me every benefit of the doubt when it came to getting my way. For being the "fun" mom who my friends loved to be around, but still being a parent. For never showing me how hard some of your days were and for sharing with me when I was wise enough to understand. 

For being there when I need someone to talk to- to vent to- to fall into. For being by my side at Christus Santa Rosa during the hardest moments of my life. For running down the hall when I was vomiting, for no other reason then to just be there, since there was nothing you could do. For enduring such a trial with your child and for helping me to understand that it would all be okay. 

To my aunt Cindy for letting me move in with her during my senior year. For letting me drive your car to work and for taking me to my radiation appointments every day, after you'd worked all night long. For getting me my first real job, and for trusting me with your girls. For being the second mom I needed. 

Mainly mom, grandma, aunts.. thank you for being the kind of women that we can be proud to love, to be a part of and for giving us all the ability to be strong, independent, beautiful women who will raise our children to be and do the same. 

Its a little bit late, but happy Mother's Day today, every single day and always. 

Thank you so very much. 

 for being a mother for being MY mother. 

Sophia's 4th birthday session.... my almost "big" girl.

Originally I wanted to travel for this session and go somewhere with some different textures, something urban perhaps. Or perhaps not, perhaps we'd go see a movie in a quaint little German town up the road from us, stop by HEB and grab some balloons and then let Sophia pic her own locations for photos. Which is exactly what we did this Mother's Day, what better way to spend the day than with the loves of my life, my hubby, my little girl and of course my camera at hand. 

My favorite shots are the ones that capture not only the beauty of her in a frame, but the sun- as if the light of the photo is her sweet little soul.

She could hardly stray from this fountain and sweet little yard of "nature props" we found on our stroll.

I've always found that since my child prefers to move, run, jump, touch everything in life... that if I want her to sit still, place her on something high that she can't jump off of. This was my magic trick to fixing her hair when she was a toddler. 

auhhh... the sun. 

My sweet.. no one knows how difficult my child is to photograph aside from the few photographers who have attempted to do so in her 4 years. 

Today she politely offered to "pose pretty" for mama.

And so, I have to say that I am a little sad to have completed her 4th birthday session. That soon she is going to officially be a 4 year old.. no longer a toddler and on her way to being a big girl,  going to kindergarten next year and every day closer to growing up. So for right now I will enjoy her as little as she is, as the little girl who still wants me to sing twinkle twinkle at night and have 1000 hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy before bed every night. I'll keep her like this for as long as time will allow. 

ZOO... first visit for this Summer!

This mama was determined to get her nearly 8 month pregnant booty out and into the sun for some fun this Saturday. 

And that is just what I did.. and boy was I tired that night- oh so very worth it. 

Sophia calls cotton candy, "pot and candy."  

We have decided that this is just too cute to correct. 

And after a nice long hot day.... we let her indulge and make a mess. 

I considered this Scarlett's first trip to the zoo. 

Sophia wanted to keep every animal she saw, but the Kangaroo was her all time favorite. She insisted that we get her 3 so that they can be friends and hop up and down the stairs in our home. 
Sure we'll get you one, when mama is able to have a Zebra.