Rainbows

I'd like to think that writing is good for my heart, it heals my soul and allows me, requires me to think a little deeper than I already do.

This August 29th made two years since my best friend Melody was killed. I don't think I have the time nor heart to write about the details of how I lost her, only that I did, lose her.
Mel was a mother to a beautiful little girl, we called "C."  I say called because I have not seen her since April when she attended my wedding. Which absoultley KILLS me- Its a long, drawn out, heart breaking story. Some day when I have the right amount of strength I will attempt to get all of this out onto paper, which will require a night alone and a glass of wine and some tears. But not right now.

Right now I want to tell you about the rain, little feet in crocks and jumping into "swimming pools for the birds."

I wish I had more time on my way to work to: be on time, to take more pictures, to let my daughter talk to me about nothing but about everything.

Sophia likes to talk, she request "no talking music" on the radio, which means no morning shows for mommy, and also no quite time to reflect in the morning.

The day we buried Mel the sky was covered in rainbows. I mean really, rainbows, everywhere and we all notice it, noticed her in the sky.

This morning I dressed Sophia is her usual bright colors, a yellow sweater, dark turquoise skirt, stripped leggings and a big bow, after all she is sunshine. The weather has been cooler lately, and the grass was wet this morning from last nights thunderstorm. The sun appeared to still be "sleeping" by the time we made it out to my car for our hour long drive into work. I packed her into the car with her blanky and a snack for the long ride, and of course her chocolate milk, which has now become quite the staple in our home.

As we headed out of our neighborhood I could not help but feel that this world is more than we stop to realize. Sophia said the clouds were following us, "see mommy they are following us today, I"m taking them to school with me, and I'm going to share them."  Oh really I said, well we'll have to be sure to share them with your friends.

As I approached the traffic, oh the traffic on IH10 every morning, but this morning is Friday morning. This means that for some unknown reason, there is less traffic. Less traffic is always nice especailly since it began to rain as we approached traffic central where things turn into standstill mode.


My mind tends to wander when traffic hits, or when I hit the traffic. Today I thought of Mel. For some reason when a sad song comes one, I let it remind me of her. Of everything we all lost when we lost her, how senseless her death was, how horrible, but her smile, how she would Always Always answer the phone, no matter what time of day it was, rather it was a phone call or a text message, she always answered.
I missed that. I missed having a best friend, one that I could confide in, one that told me all her deepest secrets and feelings. The drama for the day, for the week. What should I do? She told me one that she loved that she could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge her or talk down about her husband, the cause of the drama. But of course I wouldn't she was my bestie, she did the same for me. Shouldn't every friendship be like this. If only.

I thought of Mel on our way to work, and I turned up the music to drown out the reoccurring inquisitive questions from my three year old. Mommy this and mommy that, and mommy hold this, open my window, its NOT raining, but yes baby it is, see the rain on the windows, NO, she replied as certain that it was not raining as I was certain that it was. My stubborn child.Not sure where she gets that from.
On and on she asked questions, while my mind wondered and pondered Mel, I wanted to feel, even though it is painful, I like to feel it. I like to know that my heart still hurts for her, something in that gives me some kind of piece of her I suppose. I am not sure how to describe it, but any time I can remember her and the wonderful things we did, I fall into it.

Maybe its because my feelings for her and the loss of her are as real as I am going to get to having her again.

Anyway, as Sophia went on and on, I raised my voice and said, Sophia, quiet baby, mommy is thinking.

But I want to think too she said, and she put her little head down and looked sad. Her big brown eyes looked up at me to see if  I was aware of her hurt feelings, and I was. I regreted it as soon as I said it.
Just when I had been thinking about how short life is and how much Mel would be missing out on by not being able to enjoy life with C. Ugh, my darn mouth. I reached back to grab her little hand, her tiny little hand, and I said mommy is sorry baby, mommy was thinking about her friend Mel.

And Sophia held my hand and said, "but mommy don't be sad," "see," she pointed out her window, "she is following us, with those pretty clouds, remember?" " Look mommy, she sent us a rainbow!"

Can you believe it, she actually sent us a rainbow on this rainy morning. I refuse to believe that this is only something that has to do with science, it can't be. After all, Sophia said so.

Oh, the little joys of life, of parenthood. Sometimes I think that at 26 I am too young to have a 3 year old. When I had Sophia I thought I was old, boy was I wrong. I didn't realize how much more life I had to live, how much more I had to do. But now that I have her I feel younger than ever, and I feel more grateful than ever. I have an opportunity to assist God in a miracle,the miracle of life. I have the chance to mold a future, to pick out prom dresses, plan her wedding, buy her a car, send her to college, hold her every chance I get. I get to do all of this, and yes I even get to regret telling her to be quiet so mommy can think.

And for this, for all these little opportunities, I am so grateful.
I look forward to many more long drives with my inquisitive talkative three year old. And even though Mel is not technically here with us anymore, I still feel here, I still know her and we still love one another.